My daughter has been asking me to write another blog.
The first time she asked I was taken aback, I had no idea she liked to read them and it was a wonderful feeling to know she enjoyed my words.
‘Why?” I asked. ‘I feel like I get to know more about you when you do’, she said. So, if she is the only person reading this, that’s just great and I am glad that my words mean something to her.
There is so much of me online at the moment with my self portrait project I am concerned that I may appear to be overly vain or self absorbed, I hope not, it comes from a different place.
What I feel passionate about is in my heart and in my mind, if I am honest I am writing daily in my thoughts but always with a to do list that is too long, those thoughts don’t make the paper.
At the beginning of this year I was in a quiet place of thought and reflection, still frustrated with the inability to freely do my work I was feeling creatively stunted. Not one to sit back and wait for something to happen I sought out opportunities and the universe did not disappoint. There is so much happening in my world right now, I can hardly keep up.
But, all that being said I am still fighting the battles in my mind, the future and where I want to be.
Not knowing the path that life will take can be exciting, taking each day as it happens and just absorbing new experiences, meeting new people and saying yes to opportunities is something I relish. I remember once a friend telling me that the reason I couldn’t stop pushing myself is because I am always running away, her words still ring in my ears, does that mean she is right?
I look at people sometimes, those that are home, content with their everyday, not moving home, not changing jobs, preferring the status quo and I envy their quiet satisfaction in the simplicity of life. Of course I cannot appreciate their thoughts, the possibility that they may be struggling, hurting or dissatisfied in life and prefer to paint the picture that they have found some peace and are just enjoying the everyday pleasures that life brings.
Please don’t misunderstand my words, I am very happy with where I am but I know I will forever be seeking more, not material gain, just new experiences, challenges, emotions and connections.
There are people around me that are hurting, life has been hard and their loss scares me. To feel so selfish as to want more when I have so much, makes me feel like it’s all so fragile and someone will come and punish me for not being happy with my lot.
So, I try to quiet the fires that burn in my soul and be grateful for right now.
My thoughts make me catch my breath, perhaps my honesty is too much, it has always been a problem. I should learn to be ‘more mysterious’ as another friend told me, my heart on my sleeve is a little difficult for some to digest.
I posted a picture of myself yesterday as part of my ‘Self Portrait’ project. Sharing a portrayal of my feelings in an image, once a week for a year. It’s an interesting exercise, challenging technically and quite scary in the self discovery. Exposing my feelings as well as the image to the public is a frightening concept. People interpret it differently, creatives consider the image, some feel that I am looking for comment or reassurance whilst others are indifferent or bored with my face, quite rightly so! But I continue, for what end I am not sure but the journey has become very important to me.
The feeling I get most from my most recent portrait though is one of fear, I look at the person I am right now and see that I won’t always have all the time I want, to do all the things, things that I don’t even know I want to do yet!
Wow, I talk too much. On paper and in person! So sorry for that…..
Just in writing this post I realize what I am missing is telling the stories of others, in doing so my focus on myself lessons and I am fulfilled by the words and feelings of the people I meet. I have been sharing a few of my 50/50/50 stories lately and it reminds me how wonderful the project was and how rewarding.
I’ll hopefully be traveling soon, meeting new people, hearing new stories and sharing them with you.
To Alex, I’m not sure what you will discover about me from these words but I want to tell you something I am discovering about you. Watching you grow both physically and emotionally I feel proud and a little in awe. It’s captivating to imagine the life you are about to lead on whatever path it takes you. So whilst I moan at you about the silly things in life as parents do, I often find myself just watching you and feeling excited for your future, I see you leaving us a little each day and building new relationships outside of home and that pleases me and scares me all at once.
I want to say embrace life, do everything, find great adventures! But that may only be my wish. Do what you want to do, whatever makes your heart happy and never let anyone tell you not to, never let anyone tell you to be quiet or be anything other than who you are, including me. You can remind me I said that.
Mum x
