Love letters

Love letters

Just before I travel, especially when alone, I get a bit anxious. Scratch that, very anxious, I curl up like a little ball inside myself and I worry like crazy. People are always surprised to hear that from me, I give off this air of confidence whilst inside I’m churning away, painfully! This trip is a long one.  Probably the longest I have ever left my youngest two kids.  My oldest and I now being accustomed to separation, he lives and works the other side of the world to me.  I say accustomed, but I will never be used to his being so far away and I still get that gut punch feeling every time I think about the distance or how much I miss him. So, why am I rambling this time? Nerves are one thing, we all hate leaving our children.  Flying makes me a little uncomfortable.  I shove the fear far down and try to pretend I am cool with it. My fears are bigger now, the world is a scarier place.  Walking the streets in major cities, going to a concert and just doing ordinary, everyday things can mean real danger.  We can’t protect ourselves from it, we can’t see it coming and its right on most of our doorsteps. I want to leave some words for my children. Y’know in case I don’t get to say it in person.  I constantly tell them I love them, am proud of them but if they ever needed to just read those words, however old they are in years to come, here they are. This isn’t supposed...
Will I ever love myself?

Will I ever love myself?

I’m talking about weight, body shape the dreaded fat! I don’t want to, I know its dull, but the conversation always ends up there, will we ever learn to just let it go and love ourselves as we are?Two good friends came over for lunch today and inevitably we talk about body shape.  Not in a ‘shaming’ way, we are not malicious types just in a ‘she is this’ and ‘she is that’ and wondering why, how, what is best? We talk about it because we are looking for the secret, how’d she got there, would that work for me.  We all know the answer, it’s what you eat and how much you move and a big dollop of the genes you were born with. You notice it is all ‘She’ and not he, men care, they really do, but not nearly as much as we care, I’m sure your man walks around the bedroom naked and doesn’t give a hoot what you are thinking about his arse! I’m not overweight on paper, I have a healthy and good BMI.  In fact, I am very healthy, something I’m so thankful for and I mentally slap myself in the face every time I look in the mirror or step on the scales and just see imperfection.  I’m not looking to just drop a few pounds I wanna see Heidi Klum’s butt in the mirror reflecting back when I look at mine. You see? It’s insane isn’t it?  We have ourselves set up against these stunning ideals of how we should be. I don’t blame the magazines, I work in the beauty industry.  In...
Love and Let Live

Love and Let Live

My very recent trip to the UK, albeit fleeting, was a bit of an awakener for me. Quite quickly into the trip I realized who my real friends are, who is genuine & who I should probably leave quite happily to their own life whilst I walk forward into mine. Traveling back on the plane, a nine hour trip, I started to reflect.  We all felt as a family that we had made the right move coming to the USA.  We miss people for sure, that’ll never change but we love our life here. It seems though that our life here is resented by a few. I paint a rosy picture, I am sure, but hey, its real.  No smoke and mirrors for us.  We do have sunshine, great friends, a good life and we worked hard to get it. This post however isn’t about that.  It’s about people and caring what they think of you. I care, far too much and as a result I often get hurt by things people say and do and just how they behave around me.  Women are particularly great in sending out the ‘dislike’ vibe. I just love the ‘look up and down’ when you walk in a room. With all this on my mind and being the caring type I of course start to analyze myself and what’s a day without beating yourself up a few times hey? With my thoughts on the subject of peoples opinions it was interesting to be watching the HBO TV Drama ‘Big Little Lies’ on the plane..I binge watched the entire series.  Loved it. Do make the time to see it. Without...
This new life in the USA

This new life in the USA

I never wanted to be a photographer   It wasn’t a life ambition, not the career I dreamed of at school.  Back in those days I dreamed of being happy, not getting such a hard time, perhaps living a life which had smiles in it.  In fact the only career aspiration I had was to be the next ‘Kate Adie,‘ if you are too young to know who she is feel free to log off now!  Or perhaps a Hollywood actress, there’s still time I might give it a try. Spin back the clock for almost a decade & I started on this path to be a photographer.  I’d already been in Sales & Marketing, having left school and home by 16 I needed a job not a career but had been pretty good at it.  Trained as a florist, started an events company and produced three children..plus a few other sidelines in between..a true ‘female’ Del Boy.  A ‘Jack of All Trades’, & Master of none?  But actually, maybe, I disagree, I mastered the art of moving in the direction that life took me, seeing an opportunity, recognising the skills needed and putting myself out there. Taking pictures came from nowhere..I love advertising and the imagery, posed myself on the odd occasion but held photographers in high regard and didn’t believe that I could be one..with three young children I needed to sell my demanding events & floristry business and found myself needing something more to do. I took myself off to college to study photography, I was 33 years old. A decade ago. Did I become a Master of this one thing?  My photography...
Day 50 50/50/50 Bob

Day 50 50/50/50 Bob

Well how did that happen?  50 days have been and gone.  It only highlights to me how time flies.  How long I have been out of the UK.  All the people I care about that I need to speak to since I left and how little time we all have to enjoy each other. My next subject epitomises for me the ‘Brooklyn/New Yorker’.  The two may say they are very different but for the rest of the world, pretty much the same.  I saw Bob for the first time when he served me in Publix.  It struck me in that moment, regardless of how good he was at his job, that he looked entirely out of place in his position.  I got that perhaps this was a temporary, perhaps semi retired role for him and not to put it down at all but imagine a heavy weight boxer in a florists and it strikes you a little out of the ordinary. I am stereotyping I know, forgive me I’m of that generation.  I also knew immediately that Bob had been a Police Officer, just a hunch. My daughter was with me and we both knew he would be an ideal candidate for the project but as he was busy working so I couldn’t talk to him that day. Today I considered I needed to go all out, where should I go, who should I look for.  Then I realised that went against everything I felt about this project and I should just look for that every day ordinary but special person and I’ll know when I see them. I got in my car...
Day 48 50/50/50 Alex

Day 48 50/50/50 Alex

It’s my beautiful girls birthday today, so fitting that she should be my subject.  My daughter is growing into a beautiful young woman and it is bitter sweet.  Sometimes I look at her and it is breathtaking how lovely she is and that scares me too as I want her to stay my crazy little girl.  The one who loves ‘Piggy’ her beloved stuffed toy, princesses and unicorns and all things shiny. Alex is a creative, so much more than me.  She lives in a world of rainbows and fairytales.  Spends her days singing, dancing and dreaming, which as her Mum also drives me mad!  Focus isn’t her thing but I do try to tell myself that its her personality and although I lose the plot sometimes because she is disorganised and unprepared, I don’t want her to change because she really is perfect as she is. Name: Alex Occupation: Student 1.Where were you born and raised? Winchester, Hampshire. ‘I have lived in Windlesham most of my life.’ ‘I live with my Mum, my Dad and my two brothers. It’s been a good childhood. It’s good because I have great family and they always support me in what I do.  They make sure I do exciting things in my life even it it doesn’t benefit them.’ 2.Tell me a childhood memory. ‘I remember always singing with Charlotte and some other girls at Windlesham Infant school, High School musical.  I was always Sharpay because I was blonde and my friend Charlotte was always Gabriella ’cause she had brown hair.  We used to sing duets and we would hang from the play...